Friday, 1 July 2016

Raison D’etre

Raison D’etre

I have two weeks left of my counselling course. That’s right, after I finished the initial 8 weeks, which was extended to 16 things did not go to plan...

I had started to do well in my job. I am a salesman and sell advertising space for a local magazine. When I first starting selling advertising space I increased their sales significantly - by 75% in two issues. Which meant if I had continued at this rate for the next issue I  actually going to be making some money.

However life happened, and my head started going a million miles an hour, which resulted in me drinking rediculously which aided me behaving crazy. Which proceeded with me having to make an emergency appointment with my GP and being referred back to counselling.

This had a grave affect on me personally and financially. I had started to make a bit of money but this resulted in me essentially having no money for the past few months. I really felt like my life was going to end or be miserable for the rest of my life. I had already been miserable for the most of it - surely I should be able to enjoy the rest of it, or was I to become one of those sad stories; an example given about bullying.

    With the help of counselling I somehow managed to pick myself up again. A voice was telling me I can’t let people control me. If everyone does want to see me fail then I was giving them what they wanted. I was self-destructing, and I  had to rebuild myself again. And a few weeks ago I started to feel calm again.

I find counselling really helps me as I can hear the opinions of someone who doesn’t know anyone involved. With friends and family it’s impossible to be impartial. Another benefit is that I can have a good vent to someone I knew legally could not speak to anyone else.  I can’t do this normally as I have had my back-stabbed too many times in the past and don’t trust people anymore. Besides this I don’t need to tell anyone anything, people seem to know enough about me anyway even things that I didn’t know myself. Like Whitney Houston said “Having no friends means less problems”; people know less about me and therefore can’t talk about me as much.

Aside from this, there was something else bothering me. I had took a year out from it, but it was there in the back of my mind the whole time - Irish Dancing. Purpose is so important in life, and without Irish dancing - I had no purpose. It is my obsession. It is my raison d’etre. How can I exist without my dancing? I can’t. I have no purpose.

There was one problem and that was that I needed a teacher. You need one in Irish dancing - you cannot enter competitions unless you have one.  But a few weeks ago I got a solution and I’m able to dance again I feel stronger and more ready than ever. I’m done with nerves, I had no confidence as an adolescent, bullying had dimmed my shine. I built it up to have it shattered again. But after a year off I am ready to put those pieces together again.

1 comment:

  1. I think it is brave to admit when you need help Adam and obviously your counselling has helped you. Easier said than done I'm sure but Do not dwell on those comments from negative people and do not dwell on issues from your past. You obviously have a lot going for you and I hope that one day not too long in the futyre you can put behind you things that made you so unhappy and see your life for what it is. You have friends and family around you, a good job and prospects and hopefully taking care of yourself you will reach your full potential and a healthy frame of mind. :) I have read a number if your posts and whilst I hugely disagree with your political opinions etc, I do believe you appear to have a good heart and would like to see you continue to be more positive in your outlook. Talking about mental illness is still seen as taboo so using a platform such as this you will be able to help remove some stigma attached to seeking help. Well done you.


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